Substance Abuse Impairment

Typically developing in the mid- to late-teens, Substance Abuse Impairment is characterized by an extensive interest in, and encyclopedic knowledge of superficial concepts, inconsequential events, and/or vapid celebrities. Substance Abuse Impairment is so named because the afflicted are unable to attend to substantive subject matter outside of their tiny worlds of irrelevant phenomena. 

Substance Abuse Impairment is often and easily diagnosed because it is highly correlated with the repeated conversational use of unnecessary words or word combinations. Specifically the words or word patterns of “ya know,” “know what I’m sayin’,” “like,” “totally” and the most overused of all, “fuck,” (which is no longer used as an expletive but rather as an adjective, verb, adverb, noun, interjection and even as a preposition) are vocal behaviors highly associated with Substance Abuse Impairment.


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Substance Abuse Impairment is often exacerbated by easy access to technology that has little function other than to entertain. For example, television programs such as the highly popular Real Transgender Gay Celebrity Ghost Hunters of Des Moines, Who in South Beach is Tweeting about Facebook on Instagram, and The Kardashians’ Somalian Christmas Special and video games such as Kindergarten Killers, Martian Ninjas and High-Velocity World Scramble Series of Scrapbooking appear to contribute to the vacuous circumstances of the Substance Abuse Impaired.

The Substance Abuse Impaired have responded favorably to treatments that include gradual exposure to the New York Times and the BBC, ingestion of large doses of vitamin B12  and water boarding. Nevertheless, recidivism tends to be high, especially among residents of McAllen, Texas, the city that financial site WalletHub ranked as the having the lowest percentage of high school diploma holders among the 150 largest metropolitan areas in the U.S. 

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