Citopathy

A Sociative Microdisorder

Presentation

On occasion, people invoke famous quotations into their everyday spoken and written language. The preponderance of speech and writings of those afflicted with Citopathy, on the other hand, are composed of mostly — and in some severe cases, exclusively — of the exact expressions of others. A Citopath is likely to draw his sentences from philosophers, books, movies, songs, political speeches and even government documents. In many cases, a Citopath does not cite the proper authors of the quotation or may not cite an author at all.

As an example, if you were to meet a Citopath at a cocktail party — let’s call him Bob — the conversation might go something like this:

You: Hey, Bob, I heard that you were a little under the weather. Looks like you’ve got your health back.


Bob: Well, as Benjamin Franklin once said, “He who has health, has hope; and he who has hope, has everything.”


You: So you’re feeling pretty hopeful?


Bob: Heck yeah. Couldn’t say it better than Thomas Carlyle. “To live without hope is to cease to live."


You: And living in retirement suits you then?


Bob: Yeah, like Will Rogers said, "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn't matter."


You: Boy, you really have the right attitude.


Bob: You know, “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” That’s what Eisenhower said.


You: Well, carry on with that great attitude. 


Bob: “Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results." That’s what Merle Haggard always said.


YouListen, I’d love to chat, but I have to get home. Leaving early in the morning for Topeka.


Bob: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”


You: Yep. And as Arnold would say, “Hasta la vista, baby.”

Management

Once contracted, Citopathy can be difficult to treat. Citopaths relish dialogue, especially with others who they believe to be loquacious and of high literary intellect. However, a strict regimen of reciting Lewis Carroll’s Jabberwocky once every hour, eight hours per day over the course of a fortnight has proven to be an effective treatment for Citopathy, especially when applied in social isolation.

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